You wake from a disturbing dream, the room feels ice cold, a picture shifts on the wall, a door bangs shut, there’s someone lurking in the dark in the corner of your room, a presence sends a cold shiver down your back. You turn on the light and there’s no one there. The door slamming, the picture moving – that must be the wind from a partially open window, a change in air pressure . . . right?? Welcome to my childhood.
As a child I developed a secret life that no one knew about. Being born prophetic is not always an easy journey, especially when you don’t know this part of yourself. All you know is that you’re not the same as others.
Sadly, growing up in a Christian home, the prophetic was only a man with a deep, authoritative voice standing up unannounced in a service bellowing, ‘thus say the Lord’ . . . and it was usually a message of judgement. What I had, though, that was an illness, a curse, and as I couldn’t be healed, I hid it. Suppressed, ignored, and wrapped up in fear – what was once a gift, a weapon in my hands for the enemy, became a curse and a weapon against me, because fear became the teacher, and he turned it on me.
Growing up, my church had an awareness of Holy Spirit and manifestations. But I didn’t fit in that box, and I felt ‘there’s something wrong with me’. As I was in hiding, I never asked questions, and no one talked about such things.
See, I now know that I’m a feeler, dreamer, seer, discerner, knower, intercessor and have a beautiful prophetic gifting, which provides me with an insight into the spiritual realm in which we all live, and an intimacy and connection with Jesus, and with His family. But when you don’t know who you are, and what gifts you carry, and you suppress, hide and bury them. The result is a powerful, wild, angry animal, that’s been fed on fear, and pain, and trained by the enemy who hates you. So all that was made for love, eventually overpowers your cage and turns and attacked its captor . . . you.
Throughout my life I’ve had three nervous/mental/emotional breakdowns, two years of debilitating depression, mental health issues, suicidal thinking, years of guilt and shame- thinking I was judgemental when I was discerning, voices in my head, overwhelming feelings, seeing things that don’t exist and I felt crazy.
One day a sweet older lady invited me to a church prayer meeting, and I came. They asked Jesus for pictures and scriptures, which they would pray about. I had no idea what was happening, but each week I came. After months I somehow came across teaching about the prophetic, and the penny dropped: the secret was out, and I knew who I was. That dear lady always knew; she wanted me to find out for myself. It’s been a long and hard journey since, and over the last 9 years I’ve learnt more about the prophetic in all its beautiful forms. With each revelation about who I am, I have found freedom, healing, and love giving training to what I carry.
By Mary Allen